This month I wanted to get an update from some of the local Group Representatives (GRs). With no end in sight, the COVID-19 situation has made coming together for in-person meetings nearly impossible. But just the idea of coming back is very strong for many of us, giving us hope that we can once again have some sort of “normal” life.
How is the morale of the group, in general?
Karen L: All are glad we can meet via Zoom, at least. Some miss the in-person connection and the fellowship before and after meetings. We do allow Zoom fellowship 30 minutes before and after the meeting, but of course, it is a group conversation vs. personal conversations. Some have commented that they find Zoom meetings more intimate because they can see the person close up. In our normal meeting with 70-80 people, we do not have an opportunity to see all of the faces.
It is fun to see and hear from regular members that moved away. We now have past members from places like London, Florida, Olympia, and Washington DC that join us weekly. This plus new people from California and other places mean our meetings have grown to about 100 people.
Beatrice W: As to Zoom meetings, I think those that are using them love seeing each other and hearing words of wisdom again to help each of us get through this.
Gary H: The morale of our Friday meeting is pretty good. It was a bit of a let-down to lose some of the new members and become a smaller group virtually compared to in-person, but the group continues to be cohesive, and people are willing to step up into service to make things work. Some members who originally did not make the transition to online have returned. Other members have re-joined for drop-ins after having moved to other parts of the country years ago. We have had some guests from around the country, and that has been invigorating. The group is realistic about the prospects of being back in person and seems grateful to have the option for online meetings.
As a speaker's meeting, MESH is a bit of an ad-hoc group anyway, so it's hard to judge the morale. On the other hand, it has been well-attended, and once nearly hit the Zoom account’s 100-person limit.
Laura M: There is a growing sense of cohesion among the group, with people often expressing before or after meetings that they are glad to see other members. The level of fear and somberness has decreased since earlier this year, but there is still a somewhat somber flavor. Part of the reason is that we do not laugh together, with our microphones turned off unless sharing. We need the technology to catch up with group meetings so we can laugh (and cry) together again!
What has your group discussed regarding any possible in-person meetings, and how would a hybrid meeting work, exactly?
Karen L: We took a vote using the Zoom poll function in May to determine when the church allows us to return, what would our members want the Group to do in terms of church vs. Zoom meetings and asked how many of them would attend the church vs. Zoom.
A committee was created to make a proposal to the Group at a Business meeting. Their recommendation which was approved is:
-Separate church and Zoom meetings at the same meeting time: meet the needs of those who want to return to the church and those who won't safely return to large gatherings till possibly a vaccine is readily available. If more people come to the church than the legal capacity, they will be given the Zoom info.
-While there are 2 meetings, they will operate as one AFG. This is required to meet the financial requirements of the church meeting. Our meeting is committed to providing childcare. It costs $100/week for 2 babysitters. While it is unknown if the church will allow childcare or what the requirements will be, the 7th Tradition from the church meeting alone will most likely not cover the costs. With the addition of the 7th Tradition collected from the Zoom meeting, childcare costs can be covered.
-The Episcopal Diocese has written a COVID Phase plan for the churches. We have identified a few changes that are required:
-no coffee/tea
-no handouts/passing around of flyers, Steps/Traditions, sign-ins, etc.
-sanitizing requirements will likely need more than the past 1 person Trash service position
Beatrice W: We are all concerned about meeting in person, and we have talked about meeting outside, but are waiting.
Laura M: We are looking at having both in-person and online meetings so that when we can meet in person, those who are not comfortable can meet online. We discussed meeting online and in-person simultaneously, but it is looking like it will be easier and more conducive to sharing to have separate meetings.
Gary H: The Friday group has recently discussed this and is taking a wait and see attitude. We will have to take our lead from the church, but beyond that, several members were nervous about attending in person, even if it's technically possible.
Is having an in-person meeting something groups should be thinking of doing right now?
Karen L: While the Governor has revised the rules allowing the churches to have gatherings based on 25% room capacity even in Phase 2, our church has said they will not re-open until Seattle moves to Phase 3 at the earliest. They say they will be cautious in their decisions.
Beatrice W: We don’t think meeting in person is wise right now
Laura M: Many members have expressed how much they want to meet in person, and some members are considering small informal meetings in their backyards, with people six feet away (these would not be part of the formal group), which demonstrates how much some members want to meet in person. Other members state they will not attend in-person meetings, particularly those who are elderly, have preexisting health conditions, or live with such people. A few members are resistant to talking about meeting in person and feel that discussing the future is contrary to our program. Still, most members are interested in discussing and learning what the church is planning. Concerning the church's plans, there have been discussions about the willingness of the group and its members to participate in contact tracing for in-person meetings. Members also want to know more about what contact tracing entails so we can discuss the implications on our principles, traditions, and concepts.
Gary H: I can only speak for myself, as I have no input from these groups. I strongly believe that it's premature to do so, even if it's possible to wear masks, meet outdoors, and maintain social distancing. I believe this because transmission mechanisms are still somewhat unknown, and locations that opened early are currently becoming virus hot-spots, so the evidence now points to being more conservative with any group meetings.
How is the morale of the group, in general?
Karen L: All are glad we can meet via Zoom, at least. Some miss the in-person connection and the fellowship before and after meetings. We do allow Zoom fellowship 30 minutes before and after the meeting, but of course, it is a group conversation vs. personal conversations. Some have commented that they find Zoom meetings more intimate because they can see the person close up. In our normal meeting with 70-80 people, we do not have an opportunity to see all of the faces.
It is fun to see and hear from regular members that moved away. We now have past members from places like London, Florida, Olympia, and Washington DC that join us weekly. This plus new people from California and other places mean our meetings have grown to about 100 people.
Beatrice W: As to Zoom meetings, I think those that are using them love seeing each other and hearing words of wisdom again to help each of us get through this.
Gary H: The morale of our Friday meeting is pretty good. It was a bit of a let-down to lose some of the new members and become a smaller group virtually compared to in-person, but the group continues to be cohesive, and people are willing to step up into service to make things work. Some members who originally did not make the transition to online have returned. Other members have re-joined for drop-ins after having moved to other parts of the country years ago. We have had some guests from around the country, and that has been invigorating. The group is realistic about the prospects of being back in person and seems grateful to have the option for online meetings.
As a speaker's meeting, MESH is a bit of an ad-hoc group anyway, so it's hard to judge the morale. On the other hand, it has been well-attended, and once nearly hit the Zoom account’s 100-person limit.
Laura M: There is a growing sense of cohesion among the group, with people often expressing before or after meetings that they are glad to see other members. The level of fear and somberness has decreased since earlier this year, but there is still a somewhat somber flavor. Part of the reason is that we do not laugh together, with our microphones turned off unless sharing. We need the technology to catch up with group meetings so we can laugh (and cry) together again!
What has your group discussed regarding any possible in-person meetings, and how would a hybrid meeting work, exactly?
Karen L: We took a vote using the Zoom poll function in May to determine when the church allows us to return, what would our members want the Group to do in terms of church vs. Zoom meetings and asked how many of them would attend the church vs. Zoom.
A committee was created to make a proposal to the Group at a Business meeting. Their recommendation which was approved is:
-Separate church and Zoom meetings at the same meeting time: meet the needs of those who want to return to the church and those who won't safely return to large gatherings till possibly a vaccine is readily available. If more people come to the church than the legal capacity, they will be given the Zoom info.
-While there are 2 meetings, they will operate as one AFG. This is required to meet the financial requirements of the church meeting. Our meeting is committed to providing childcare. It costs $100/week for 2 babysitters. While it is unknown if the church will allow childcare or what the requirements will be, the 7th Tradition from the church meeting alone will most likely not cover the costs. With the addition of the 7th Tradition collected from the Zoom meeting, childcare costs can be covered.
-The Episcopal Diocese has written a COVID Phase plan for the churches. We have identified a few changes that are required:
-no coffee/tea
-no handouts/passing around of flyers, Steps/Traditions, sign-ins, etc.
-sanitizing requirements will likely need more than the past 1 person Trash service position
Beatrice W: We are all concerned about meeting in person, and we have talked about meeting outside, but are waiting.
Laura M: We are looking at having both in-person and online meetings so that when we can meet in person, those who are not comfortable can meet online. We discussed meeting online and in-person simultaneously, but it is looking like it will be easier and more conducive to sharing to have separate meetings.
Gary H: The Friday group has recently discussed this and is taking a wait and see attitude. We will have to take our lead from the church, but beyond that, several members were nervous about attending in person, even if it's technically possible.
Is having an in-person meeting something groups should be thinking of doing right now?
Karen L: While the Governor has revised the rules allowing the churches to have gatherings based on 25% room capacity even in Phase 2, our church has said they will not re-open until Seattle moves to Phase 3 at the earliest. They say they will be cautious in their decisions.
Beatrice W: We don’t think meeting in person is wise right now
Laura M: Many members have expressed how much they want to meet in person, and some members are considering small informal meetings in their backyards, with people six feet away (these would not be part of the formal group), which demonstrates how much some members want to meet in person. Other members state they will not attend in-person meetings, particularly those who are elderly, have preexisting health conditions, or live with such people. A few members are resistant to talking about meeting in person and feel that discussing the future is contrary to our program. Still, most members are interested in discussing and learning what the church is planning. Concerning the church's plans, there have been discussions about the willingness of the group and its members to participate in contact tracing for in-person meetings. Members also want to know more about what contact tracing entails so we can discuss the implications on our principles, traditions, and concepts.
Gary H: I can only speak for myself, as I have no input from these groups. I strongly believe that it's premature to do so, even if it's possible to wear masks, meet outdoors, and maintain social distancing. I believe this because transmission mechanisms are still somewhat unknown, and locations that opened early are currently becoming virus hot-spots, so the evidence now points to being more conservative with any group meetings.
AIS Council Meeting Thursday, August 13th, 730p - 9p Electronic Meeting Join Zoom Meeting: Click Here Meeting ID: 839 6957 0120 Password: 001086 The AIS Council Meeting is the business meeting for the Greater Seattle Al-Anon Information Service. Each Group has a vote and is encouraged to send a representative. All Al-Anon members are invited to attend. |
The How, Who, What, When, and Where of Making a Step Eight Amends List
Many of us first came to Al-Anon certain that we had done nothing wrong, that it was we who had been harmed. But the more we grow in the program, the more we realize that we, too, have caused suffering. In our reactions to the disease, we may have been the source of someone else’s pain. “No matter how pure our intentions, our actions have consequences” (How Al-Anon Works, p. 57).
Step Eight asks us to list the people we’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. But how do we go about it? Who, exactly, have we harmed? What harms have we done? When do we do it? And where do we turn if we’re stuck? Our literature offers several tips.
How do we start? A review of our Fourth Step can be a great place to start. Perhaps the list described in Paths to Recovery (p. 81): the person harmed, their relationship to us, our harmful act, the reason for our amends, and our willingness. The same page offers an alternative approach, “. . . start our list with anyone about whom we still feel any discomfort.”
Who have we harmed? If we’ve been blaming ourselves for everything, “our exaggerated sense of responsibility might lead us to place persons on our list unnecessarily” (Reaching for Personal Freedom, p. 43). Or if we tend to avoid taking responsibility, we may not be as thorough as need be. Either way, it’s recommended we include ourselves on the list. Coping with an alcoholic situation can lead us to make choices or to behave in ways that have harmed us. We deserve to be on our list.
What harms have we done? Like wondering who to include, distinguishing what harms we have done can be difficult. Especially if we feel overly responsible or overly victimized. A nifty tip in Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses (p. 122) makes the distinction between regret and guilt, “Regret is wishing that something could have turned out differently. . . .Guilt is a feeling of remorse for having knowingly done something wrong.” A regret might not indicate harm done. Whereas, remorse might be a strong indication we should list it.
When do we do it? Sometimes we are ready and willing immediately, and sometimes we think we’ll never be ready. That’s okay. As we grow in the program, we’ll make more than one Step Eight list, and our willingness often increases. As our founder, Lois W, said in How Al-Anon Works, p. 158, “I try to keep my list of persons harmed up-to-date, and I also try to shorten it.” Well said, Lois!
Where do we turn if we’re stuck? In Al-Anon, we are never alone. We can turn to a sponsor, to our Higher Power, to the literature, to a trusted member, or to a meeting.
No matter the how, who, what, when, or where, we “take [Step Eight] in a spirit of self-love and healing” (How Al-Anon Works, p. 58).
Many of us first came to Al-Anon certain that we had done nothing wrong, that it was we who had been harmed. But the more we grow in the program, the more we realize that we, too, have caused suffering. In our reactions to the disease, we may have been the source of someone else’s pain. “No matter how pure our intentions, our actions have consequences” (How Al-Anon Works, p. 57).
Step Eight asks us to list the people we’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. But how do we go about it? Who, exactly, have we harmed? What harms have we done? When do we do it? And where do we turn if we’re stuck? Our literature offers several tips.
How do we start? A review of our Fourth Step can be a great place to start. Perhaps the list described in Paths to Recovery (p. 81): the person harmed, their relationship to us, our harmful act, the reason for our amends, and our willingness. The same page offers an alternative approach, “. . . start our list with anyone about whom we still feel any discomfort.”
Who have we harmed? If we’ve been blaming ourselves for everything, “our exaggerated sense of responsibility might lead us to place persons on our list unnecessarily” (Reaching for Personal Freedom, p. 43). Or if we tend to avoid taking responsibility, we may not be as thorough as need be. Either way, it’s recommended we include ourselves on the list. Coping with an alcoholic situation can lead us to make choices or to behave in ways that have harmed us. We deserve to be on our list.
What harms have we done? Like wondering who to include, distinguishing what harms we have done can be difficult. Especially if we feel overly responsible or overly victimized. A nifty tip in Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses (p. 122) makes the distinction between regret and guilt, “Regret is wishing that something could have turned out differently. . . .Guilt is a feeling of remorse for having knowingly done something wrong.” A regret might not indicate harm done. Whereas, remorse might be a strong indication we should list it.
When do we do it? Sometimes we are ready and willing immediately, and sometimes we think we’ll never be ready. That’s okay. As we grow in the program, we’ll make more than one Step Eight list, and our willingness often increases. As our founder, Lois W, said in How Al-Anon Works, p. 158, “I try to keep my list of persons harmed up-to-date, and I also try to shorten it.” Well said, Lois!
Where do we turn if we’re stuck? In Al-Anon, we are never alone. We can turn to a sponsor, to our Higher Power, to the literature, to a trusted member, or to a meeting.
No matter the how, who, what, when, or where, we “take [Step Eight] in a spirit of self-love and healing” (How Al-Anon Works, p. 58).
FREE SHIPPING! We are excited to announce that the AIS Literature Distribution Center has re-opened in a limited capacity. To help our members during this difficult time, we are having a Summer Sale until September 30th offering free shipping and no WSO charge for orders that are placed and paid online. We will strive to ship orders by the Thursday after payment is received. Literature order forms are available at https://www.seattle-al-anon.org/literature.html. For easy processing, follow the instructions on the literature order forms and email back to LDC@seattle-al-anon.org. The office will remain closed until further notice. |
Not a Very Catchy Title for an Article About the 7th Tradition in Zoom Meetings
by Teresa H
At the July 2020 AIS Council meeting, members requested more information on how groups are accommodating 7th Tradition contributions during the COVID-19 lockdown. For some service arms, especially WSO, donations are critical. WSO has a large amount of fixed and operational expenses compared to other service arms, where normal operations have been suspended or are virtual with minimal costs. They need donations to continue serving our members and those who seek help from the disease of alcoholism.
The three main options are to collect 7th Tradition contributions through online applications and/or snail mail; to post the link to one or more service arms and ask the members to contribute directly (commonly WSO or AIS); or to ask members to put their normal contribution in an envelope to be donated when the group is back meeting in person. Note: Because they are registered nonprofits, member contributions made directly to WSO and AIS may be tax-deductible. For groups still deciding what to do about 7th Tradition, here is some information that might be helpful.
Hope for Today AFG set up a Venmo account in April so members could submit contributions. Group Treasurer John explains the Group did not want to maintain more than one online option and decided on Venmo because there was no cost to the Group to set up an account. For members, who don’t have Venmo, they also provide an address where members can mail a check. After a slow start, this method seems to be working very well. Their meeting attendance is up significantly via Zoom, and contributions are currently over 50% more than when they were meeting at the church. John believes there are still a significant number of group members who do not feel comfortable with these options, but that “all the increase, and perhaps more, is due to the increased attendance.”
The West Seattle Saturday Morning AFG set up collection methods even earlier, around the second or third Zoom meeting in March. Several group members suggested both Venmo and PayPal because they already had those options available. The group decided to offer both methods and mailed checks. With PayPal, there is a fee charged on all transactions. If members use debit cards or direct bank transfer, there is no transaction fee. If members use a credit card, Venmo will charge them a transaction fee. They have since added a third option, Zelle, at the request of members. About 50% of donations are checks via USPS.
Like Hope for Today AFG, their attendance is up. The contribution levels were about the same as usual in April and May but have now declined slightly. Group Rep Karen L thinks that might be because members know that the group’s fixed costs have decreased from about $200 per week at the church to about $72 per month with Zoom. They had already paid the 2nd quarter rent to the church before the shutdown and will not be paying rent until they are back meeting at the church. Hope for Today AFG continues to pay rent to the church even so they can continue to contribute to their District, AIS, WA Area, and WSO during the lockdown.
Treasurer John expects that to continue and to be sending more disbursements to other service arms of about $550 throughout the year. West Seattle opted to only support WSO because of WSO’s significant fixed costs. They were able to send a $1000 contribution.
A couple of things are different in these times, John said. “Before COVID, we did not know who made 7th Tradition contributions. Now I have a name (though I am not tracking) of who is contributing.” He suggests members who are concerned can set aliases for their electronic donations. Karen L adds, “At the church, the 7th Tradition would be close to the same each week. With Zoom, the totals vary each week.” Members could opt to make accrued contributions every few weeks or once a month.
The three main options are to collect 7th Tradition contributions through online applications and/or snail mail; to post the link to one or more service arms and ask the members to contribute directly (commonly WSO or AIS); or to ask members to put their normal contribution in an envelope to be donated when the group is back meeting in person. Note: Because they are registered nonprofits, member contributions made directly to WSO and AIS may be tax-deductible. For groups still deciding what to do about 7th Tradition, here is some information that might be helpful.
Hope for Today AFG set up a Venmo account in April so members could submit contributions. Group Treasurer John explains the Group did not want to maintain more than one online option and decided on Venmo because there was no cost to the Group to set up an account. For members, who don’t have Venmo, they also provide an address where members can mail a check. After a slow start, this method seems to be working very well. Their meeting attendance is up significantly via Zoom, and contributions are currently over 50% more than when they were meeting at the church. John believes there are still a significant number of group members who do not feel comfortable with these options, but that “all the increase, and perhaps more, is due to the increased attendance.”
The West Seattle Saturday Morning AFG set up collection methods even earlier, around the second or third Zoom meeting in March. Several group members suggested both Venmo and PayPal because they already had those options available. The group decided to offer both methods and mailed checks. With PayPal, there is a fee charged on all transactions. If members use debit cards or direct bank transfer, there is no transaction fee. If members use a credit card, Venmo will charge them a transaction fee. They have since added a third option, Zelle, at the request of members. About 50% of donations are checks via USPS.
Like Hope for Today AFG, their attendance is up. The contribution levels were about the same as usual in April and May but have now declined slightly. Group Rep Karen L thinks that might be because members know that the group’s fixed costs have decreased from about $200 per week at the church to about $72 per month with Zoom. They had already paid the 2nd quarter rent to the church before the shutdown and will not be paying rent until they are back meeting at the church. Hope for Today AFG continues to pay rent to the church even so they can continue to contribute to their District, AIS, WA Area, and WSO during the lockdown.
Treasurer John expects that to continue and to be sending more disbursements to other service arms of about $550 throughout the year. West Seattle opted to only support WSO because of WSO’s significant fixed costs. They were able to send a $1000 contribution.
A couple of things are different in these times, John said. “Before COVID, we did not know who made 7th Tradition contributions. Now I have a name (though I am not tracking) of who is contributing.” He suggests members who are concerned can set aliases for their electronic donations. Karen L adds, “At the church, the 7th Tradition would be close to the same each week. With Zoom, the totals vary each week.” Members could opt to make accrued contributions every few weeks or once a month.
Thankfully my home group has had great Group Representatives (GRs), so I understood the value and importance. As I watched my predecessors during our group meetings, I saw that they were a vital communication link. They keep us informed of upcoming nearby events (speaker meetings, gratitude dinners, workshops) and give us more opportunities to hear and exchange experience, strength, and hope. They pass on items learned at District and Area meetings.
I will always remember one instance where the GR informed the group that at an Area event, they discovered that a word we innocently used (qualifier) occasionally had treatment-center, not Al-Anon, origins. After hearing this from our GR, the group very effectively self-corrected. This is one small example where the GR helped us stay truer to practice Al-Anon according to the 12 Traditions and 12 Concepts.
As a GR now and Alternate (Alt) GR prior, I have learned other reasons for groups to have GRs. I wondered where our 7th Tradition donations to the District, Area, and Greater Seattle AIS are utilized. At Area assemblies and District and AIS meetings, budgets and expenses are reviewed. I can ask any question. I have learned about services and Area representation that I had taken for granted.
Ever have an idea of how funds should be spent or wonder why a decision was made that you didn’t agree with? The District and AIS meetings encourage group input. Each group has a vote in deciding how the funds are spent.
As stated in Paths to Recovery (p. 194), “The groups are the foundation of Al-Anon and have the final say in the fellowship, but a group can have no say unless it participates and sends a voice through an elected group representative.”
I will always remember one instance where the GR informed the group that at an Area event, they discovered that a word we innocently used (qualifier) occasionally had treatment-center, not Al-Anon, origins. After hearing this from our GR, the group very effectively self-corrected. This is one small example where the GR helped us stay truer to practice Al-Anon according to the 12 Traditions and 12 Concepts.
As a GR now and Alternate (Alt) GR prior, I have learned other reasons for groups to have GRs. I wondered where our 7th Tradition donations to the District, Area, and Greater Seattle AIS are utilized. At Area assemblies and District and AIS meetings, budgets and expenses are reviewed. I can ask any question. I have learned about services and Area representation that I had taken for granted.
Ever have an idea of how funds should be spent or wonder why a decision was made that you didn’t agree with? The District and AIS meetings encourage group input. Each group has a vote in deciding how the funds are spent.
As stated in Paths to Recovery (p. 194), “The groups are the foundation of Al-Anon and have the final say in the fellowship, but a group can have no say unless it participates and sends a voice through an elected group representative.”
Please List Your Zoom Meeting on the WA Area Website by Eric G Browse on over to the Washington (WA) Area Al-Anon website, and you’ll find many meetings listed under their MEETINGS tab. But if you click under the tab “ONLINE MEETINGS" you’ll find only one Seattle meeting listed so far. Since we’ve been coming to electronic meetings for a few months now, and will for the foreseeable future, I thought it would be helpful to pass along an easy-to-follow video tutorial that was made by WA Area to help groups list their meetings on the state-level page. It’s surprisingly easy, and I included the link HERE. Talk to other group members and/or the Group Rep; then request a meeting change for your group's virtual meeting. |
ACROSS
2. Do marshmallows come in a ____? 5. Not just one, but all of us DOWN 1 There's no fate but what we ____ for ourselves 3. The movie starring Pennywise 4. Famous 1921 dystopian novel by Yevgeny Zamyatin |
Over my years in Al-Anon, I have worked with many sponsees. I see a common pattern weaving its way through their successes and failures. The people who seem to make the quickest progress all embrace “acceptance” more fully.
For many of us, certainly for me personally, acceptance in all things can be difficult because it often means letting go of some goal or ideal. This is especially true in relationships. I often have an image in my mind of how I want things to be, and that image is at odds with the other person’s vision. Short of trying to force them to conform to my choices, I have to accept that I’m not going to get what I think I want.
For me, it seems that even when events have shown that getting what I thought I wanted didn’t lead to the future I had envisioned, the next time I still have some idealized view of how I wish things would be.
I have read about the idea of radical acceptance: “an act of the total person that allows [acceptance] of ‘this moment,’ or of ‘this reality’ in this moment, it is without discrimination. In other words, one does not choose parts of reality to accept and parts to reject.”
I am writing this in the middle of the 2020 pandemic while in self-isolation. This leaves me with way too much time to think my way through this time alone. As a program friend reminded me a long time ago, “You are a smart guy. If you could think your way out of this situation, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE IT!”
Once again, the answer seems to come back to my attitude about acceptance. Without realizing it, I’m selectively choosing which parts of reality I will accept and will continue to try and change to fit my ideal. Completely forgetting that if my ideal doesn’t match reality, the problem is not with reality, it’s with my ideal.
A friend commented to me that “there you go again, bringing logic to an emotional fight.” I am thinking logically and hopefully realistically about the issue at hand while the person I’m talking to is emotionally attached to a different outcome.
In every situation, the conflict or friction results from my not accepting the simple fact that the other person’s attitudes are what they are. I need to accept that they have their right to decide how they will proceed.
What has to change is not the other person, but my idea of how things “should” turn out!
For many of us, certainly for me personally, acceptance in all things can be difficult because it often means letting go of some goal or ideal. This is especially true in relationships. I often have an image in my mind of how I want things to be, and that image is at odds with the other person’s vision. Short of trying to force them to conform to my choices, I have to accept that I’m not going to get what I think I want.
For me, it seems that even when events have shown that getting what I thought I wanted didn’t lead to the future I had envisioned, the next time I still have some idealized view of how I wish things would be.
I have read about the idea of radical acceptance: “an act of the total person that allows [acceptance] of ‘this moment,’ or of ‘this reality’ in this moment, it is without discrimination. In other words, one does not choose parts of reality to accept and parts to reject.”
I am writing this in the middle of the 2020 pandemic while in self-isolation. This leaves me with way too much time to think my way through this time alone. As a program friend reminded me a long time ago, “You are a smart guy. If you could think your way out of this situation, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE IT!”
Once again, the answer seems to come back to my attitude about acceptance. Without realizing it, I’m selectively choosing which parts of reality I will accept and will continue to try and change to fit my ideal. Completely forgetting that if my ideal doesn’t match reality, the problem is not with reality, it’s with my ideal.
A friend commented to me that “there you go again, bringing logic to an emotional fight.” I am thinking logically and hopefully realistically about the issue at hand while the person I’m talking to is emotionally attached to a different outcome.
In every situation, the conflict or friction results from my not accepting the simple fact that the other person’s attitudes are what they are. I need to accept that they have their right to decide how they will proceed.
What has to change is not the other person, but my idea of how things “should” turn out!
Seattle Al-Anon Information Service (AIS) Is Looking for Help
DO YOU ENJOY TALKING ON THE PHONE OR SLEEPING ON THE JOB?
Early birds, night owls, those at home, or those on the go…
PLEASE CONSIDER SERVING AS AN AIS PHONE VOLUNTEER
You can work from your home or while you are out and about.
Shifts are available 7 days a week in 3-hour intervals starting at 7am during the day, and at night there is one shift starting at 10:30pm, which goes until 7am.
The focus is to answer questions about Al-Anon and Alateen’s meeting times and Zoom availability, to give hope to people whose lives may be affected by someone else’s drinking and to help others reach the appropriate source of help.
A manual is provided with resource numbers and helpful suggestions on maintaining anonymity and talking to people in distress.
Phone volunteers are a resource for information. Support is there for phone volunteers. We have 12-Step volunteers who make their number available to return calls to callers seeking a more detailed conversation.
FOR INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT
phones@seattle-al-anon.org
DO YOU ENJOY TALKING ON THE PHONE OR SLEEPING ON THE JOB?
Early birds, night owls, those at home, or those on the go…
PLEASE CONSIDER SERVING AS AN AIS PHONE VOLUNTEER
You can work from your home or while you are out and about.
Shifts are available 7 days a week in 3-hour intervals starting at 7am during the day, and at night there is one shift starting at 10:30pm, which goes until 7am.
The focus is to answer questions about Al-Anon and Alateen’s meeting times and Zoom availability, to give hope to people whose lives may be affected by someone else’s drinking and to help others reach the appropriate source of help.
A manual is provided with resource numbers and helpful suggestions on maintaining anonymity and talking to people in distress.
Phone volunteers are a resource for information. Support is there for phone volunteers. We have 12-Step volunteers who make their number available to return calls to callers seeking a more detailed conversation.
FOR INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT
phones@seattle-al-anon.org
I have been surrounded by the devastating effects of alcoholism, along with the dysfunctional wake that splashes over into my behavior and perceptions. Growing up, I was groomed to be overly responsible, and as an adult, I often find myself over committed and feeling liable for other people’s conduct. I was the poster child for codependency, rescuing those I cared about from the natural consequences of their behavior. Consequently, my own life became more obscure as my dreams and goals faded into the shadows.
After so many years of working my recovery, it still surprises me when I hit another bottom, and the veil is lifted while another layer of denial is peeled away. In my experience, this peeling process can be very painful as I face how unmanageable my life has become. However, within the fellowship and resources of Al-Anon, there is hope! Recently, a kind fellow traveler gave me a laminated Al-Anon bookmark labeled “Detachment.”
This paragraph pierced the dark fog that surrounded my heart like a sharp arrow of clarity:
“Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.”
I have become preoccupied with, and have felt responsible for another person for whom I care. I want to protect them from being exploited and save them from their own choices. I don’t want to be obsessed with them, as it is an awful bondage. My life has once again been eclipsed by the “cunning, baffling, and powerful” disease of alcoholism.
I find myself getting sucked into the chaos and crises that tend to swirl around the alcoholics in my life. So much of it smacks of deception and insanity, getting involved tends to be detrimental to my well being. Detachment is a boundary that will help me be a separate individual and autonomous from another’s behavior. It does not mean a lack of love, but stepping back from unhealthy interactions. I want my life to have more balance and serenity. I know that the God of my understanding will guide me and empower me to let go.
Detachment allows me to dislike and perhaps even hate the destructive and reactive behaviors of the alcoholic. Detachment gives me permission to live my life with worthiness and transcend the familiar patterns that no longer work for me. I can be gentle with myself as I experiment with boundaries, and allow others to live with their choices.
After so many years of working my recovery, it still surprises me when I hit another bottom, and the veil is lifted while another layer of denial is peeled away. In my experience, this peeling process can be very painful as I face how unmanageable my life has become. However, within the fellowship and resources of Al-Anon, there is hope! Recently, a kind fellow traveler gave me a laminated Al-Anon bookmark labeled “Detachment.”
This paragraph pierced the dark fog that surrounded my heart like a sharp arrow of clarity:
“Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.”
I have become preoccupied with, and have felt responsible for another person for whom I care. I want to protect them from being exploited and save them from their own choices. I don’t want to be obsessed with them, as it is an awful bondage. My life has once again been eclipsed by the “cunning, baffling, and powerful” disease of alcoholism.
I find myself getting sucked into the chaos and crises that tend to swirl around the alcoholics in my life. So much of it smacks of deception and insanity, getting involved tends to be detrimental to my well being. Detachment is a boundary that will help me be a separate individual and autonomous from another’s behavior. It does not mean a lack of love, but stepping back from unhealthy interactions. I want my life to have more balance and serenity. I know that the God of my understanding will guide me and empower me to let go.
Detachment allows me to dislike and perhaps even hate the destructive and reactive behaviors of the alcoholic. Detachment gives me permission to live my life with worthiness and transcend the familiar patterns that no longer work for me. I can be gentle with myself as I experiment with boundaries, and allow others to live with their choices.
'In the June BITS, thoughts were shared on the 1967 version of our CAL, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. Thank you for that. I appreciate the opportunity to learn about an earlier version of a piece of literature that’s been an important part of my recovery. I love reading the literature from Al-Anon's early members, just as I love listening to them speak. The foundation of Al-Anon principles I strive to live by gets stronger for me every time I read, listen, and learn from our pioneers.
The language of our founding members is often different than today. Also, the details of their daily life; Al-Anon has been around for over 60 years, and the world has changed. So how can I find guidance from the early literature and speakers? One tool that helps me is a suggestion I've heard given to newcomers: "Identify, don't compare." The principles are not in the details described. I find the principles in the message beneath the circumstances.
For example, here's how the checklist items mentioned in the June article (pp. 60-65 in the book) help me.
“#1. Did you get breakfast for your husband?”
For me, this question asks me to honestly answer, “Did I do my agreed-upon part in the home today?” My husband and I each have daily responsibilities for the smooth operation of our home. It doesn't matter that I’m not the one who does the cooking; I relate to the fact that I have agreed to complete daily tasks that contribute to a cared-for home and family. Before Al-Anon, I was so full of resentment and self-pity I often didn’t do what I agreed to do when I agreed to do it. I made excuses for myself while dirty dishes piled up. My husband couldn’t help manage my retirement plan because I was unreliable in printing the account information regularly. Today I do the dishes daily and provide the information required for financial planning every week. I am self-supporting through my voluntary contributions, and I’m a more reliable partner.
“#6. If he’s in a sour mood, can you keep cheerful inside yourself and not resent it?”
This reminds me of the phrase in our Suggested Welcome, “...you can find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.” When I arrived in these rooms, my mood was driven by the alcoholic's mood. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was grouchy or angry, so was I. And if I was trying to be happy when he was cranky, I resented him. This checklist item asks how I’m doing with detachment. Am I able to experience a good day even when the alcoholic is suffering and grouchy? Am I resentful of his bad mood, or do I practice Live and Let Live, respecting his right to feel what he feels?
“#16. Do you look nice when he comes home, a subtle compliment to him?”
A couple of years into my program, I had a moment of clarity when I realized the only time I made an effort to look attractive was when I dressed for work. As soon as I got home, the cute clothes and all jewelry came off, and the old jeans and oversized t-shirt came on. I didn’t even brush my hair after changing. I’d frown in the mirror, thinking I looked frumpy, but I didn’t care. Again, self-pity and resentment drove my attitude and behavior. The moment of clarity was realizing the only people who got to see me looking nice were my coworkers. All I presented to my husband was a frumpy, unhappy wife. Al-Anon has taught me that taking care of my appearance is part of self-care. When I make an effort to dress nicely and be well-groomed, I’m making an effort to be pleasant and present my best self to others. I give myself a reflection in the mirror about which I can feel good. The lack of effort I put into my appearance at home sent my husband a constant reminder of my unhappiness. In other words, I acted in a way that blamed and punished him by sending a message that he wasn’t worth the effort it would take for me to look pleasing. This checklist question asks if I’m sharing my best self with my loved one, if my actions are telling him, “I like you. I’m happy to see you.”
“#20. How much did you weigh before you were married? How much now?”
For me, this question is about health. The family disease of alcoholism has led me to overeat by sometimes using food as a source of comfort. I’ve also eaten to avoid offending whoever cooked the meal. The result was enough weight gain to make my legs ache and increase my blood pressure. I can replace “before I was married” with the point of reference that makes sense. In my case, it’s “before the drinking got bad.” It helps me remember that questions in our conference approved literature are suggested tools for doing a personal inventory. I can adjust the wording to match my style and experience. But before I go adjusting, changing, or dismissing any of the words, I must spend time reflecting on, “What underlying Al-Anon principles might this question address?” When I give the question to my Higher Power and wait quietly, the guidance on how to identify with the question invariably comes.
Thank you for letting me share.
The language of our founding members is often different than today. Also, the details of their daily life; Al-Anon has been around for over 60 years, and the world has changed. So how can I find guidance from the early literature and speakers? One tool that helps me is a suggestion I've heard given to newcomers: "Identify, don't compare." The principles are not in the details described. I find the principles in the message beneath the circumstances.
For example, here's how the checklist items mentioned in the June article (pp. 60-65 in the book) help me.
“#1. Did you get breakfast for your husband?”
For me, this question asks me to honestly answer, “Did I do my agreed-upon part in the home today?” My husband and I each have daily responsibilities for the smooth operation of our home. It doesn't matter that I’m not the one who does the cooking; I relate to the fact that I have agreed to complete daily tasks that contribute to a cared-for home and family. Before Al-Anon, I was so full of resentment and self-pity I often didn’t do what I agreed to do when I agreed to do it. I made excuses for myself while dirty dishes piled up. My husband couldn’t help manage my retirement plan because I was unreliable in printing the account information regularly. Today I do the dishes daily and provide the information required for financial planning every week. I am self-supporting through my voluntary contributions, and I’m a more reliable partner.
“#6. If he’s in a sour mood, can you keep cheerful inside yourself and not resent it?”
This reminds me of the phrase in our Suggested Welcome, “...you can find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.” When I arrived in these rooms, my mood was driven by the alcoholic's mood. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was grouchy or angry, so was I. And if I was trying to be happy when he was cranky, I resented him. This checklist item asks how I’m doing with detachment. Am I able to experience a good day even when the alcoholic is suffering and grouchy? Am I resentful of his bad mood, or do I practice Live and Let Live, respecting his right to feel what he feels?
“#16. Do you look nice when he comes home, a subtle compliment to him?”
A couple of years into my program, I had a moment of clarity when I realized the only time I made an effort to look attractive was when I dressed for work. As soon as I got home, the cute clothes and all jewelry came off, and the old jeans and oversized t-shirt came on. I didn’t even brush my hair after changing. I’d frown in the mirror, thinking I looked frumpy, but I didn’t care. Again, self-pity and resentment drove my attitude and behavior. The moment of clarity was realizing the only people who got to see me looking nice were my coworkers. All I presented to my husband was a frumpy, unhappy wife. Al-Anon has taught me that taking care of my appearance is part of self-care. When I make an effort to dress nicely and be well-groomed, I’m making an effort to be pleasant and present my best self to others. I give myself a reflection in the mirror about which I can feel good. The lack of effort I put into my appearance at home sent my husband a constant reminder of my unhappiness. In other words, I acted in a way that blamed and punished him by sending a message that he wasn’t worth the effort it would take for me to look pleasing. This checklist question asks if I’m sharing my best self with my loved one, if my actions are telling him, “I like you. I’m happy to see you.”
“#20. How much did you weigh before you were married? How much now?”
For me, this question is about health. The family disease of alcoholism has led me to overeat by sometimes using food as a source of comfort. I’ve also eaten to avoid offending whoever cooked the meal. The result was enough weight gain to make my legs ache and increase my blood pressure. I can replace “before I was married” with the point of reference that makes sense. In my case, it’s “before the drinking got bad.” It helps me remember that questions in our conference approved literature are suggested tools for doing a personal inventory. I can adjust the wording to match my style and experience. But before I go adjusting, changing, or dismissing any of the words, I must spend time reflecting on, “What underlying Al-Anon principles might this question address?” When I give the question to my Higher Power and wait quietly, the guidance on how to identify with the question invariably comes.
Thank you for letting me share.
What Does the Al-Anon Logo Mean?"Al-Anon’s logo is a triangle with a circle inside. The three sides of the triangle symbolize our three Legacies: Recovery through acceptance of the Steps, Unity through acceptance of the Traditions and Service through acceptance of the Concepts. All three sides are necessary for the triangle to remain a triangle, just as a three-legged stool needs all three legs in order to stand. The circle within the triangle has been described by some Al-Anon members as a circle of welcome that carries the Al-Anon message of hope to the many families and friends who are living in or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. In this simple symbol, we find represented the spiritual principles that unite us in our common bond; recovery from the effects of the family disease of alcoholism.”
From Paths to Recovery, Introduction |
On the Scene
|
Concept Eight
The Board of Trustees delegates full authority for routine management of Al-Anon Headquarters to its executive committees. |
AIS Needs You! Current Service Opportunities *Events Editor* *Archivist Coordinator* *Tech Co-Coordinator* *Office Volunteers* *Phone Volunteers* If you are interested in a particular area of service, please contact chair@seattle-al-anon.org |
Al-Anon Joke of the Month I finally figured out how to get an alcoholic to stop drinking! CLICK HERE FOR ALL THE DETAILS!!!!
Do you have a funny or not so funny Al-Anon joke? Please send it along to newslettereditor@seattle-al-anon.org |
Would You Like to Write for the Newsletter?
(Pen Names Accepted) Let us know at newslettereditor@seattle-al-anon.org |
If anyone knows who won the 1949 Plymouth and wants to share your story, please send an email to newslettereditor@seattle-al-anon.org.
I remember going to my first ever Summer Seminar Assembly (SSA) back in late May, feeling conflicted. It was the first day of the protests, and I couldn't be in two places at once. If not for the writing workshop, I may have skipped the event to head downtown. Writing is a way of life for me. It is who I am and what I do in my spare time. So this specific workshop was important to me, but it was an important day for all of Seattle.
There are many ways to write about your Al-Anon experience, and I've included my favorite important page from the workshop here. The main reason I have written about my experience in my own journal is to be able to forget about the specifics, to not hold on to them, and to let go. If I want to remember what I went through specifically, I can read what I wrote. Holding those memories in does not do me any good, and could cause further future resentments and possible psychological harm.
The writing exercise during this workshop asked us to explain three things.
Even though I have already written extensively about my experience in my journals, answering these three questions was hard and being honest with myself normally is. But it helped me understand how I got here, and why I had chosen this assembly over another important event and issue happening downtown.
The timing of this assembly must have been hard for us all. Seattle was burning as we spoke, shared, and listened to each other. While I frequented the protests almost every day after this, I'm glad my first instinct was to stay true to my Al-Anon self on this inspiring, yet traumatic day in Seattle history.
There are many ways to write about your Al-Anon experience, and I've included my favorite important page from the workshop here. The main reason I have written about my experience in my own journal is to be able to forget about the specifics, to not hold on to them, and to let go. If I want to remember what I went through specifically, I can read what I wrote. Holding those memories in does not do me any good, and could cause further future resentments and possible psychological harm.
The writing exercise during this workshop asked us to explain three things.
- What was your life like before Al-Anon?
- What brought you to Al-Anon?
- What is your life like now?
Even though I have already written extensively about my experience in my journals, answering these three questions was hard and being honest with myself normally is. But it helped me understand how I got here, and why I had chosen this assembly over another important event and issue happening downtown.
The timing of this assembly must have been hard for us all. Seattle was burning as we spoke, shared, and listened to each other. While I frequented the protests almost every day after this, I'm glad my first instinct was to stay true to my Al-Anon self on this inspiring, yet traumatic day in Seattle history.
July 2020 AIS Council Meeting Summary
by Roxanne T
Treasurer’s Report: Linda H gave an overview of the current financial status. We are in the black for the year. A copy of the financial reports can be requested from Linda H.
Chair’s Report: Eliza D participated in the Washington Area Outreach Committee. They are working with groups on outreach.
The Resentment Bonfire is rescheduled for August 15, 2021.
The AIS Outreach Coordinator is stepping down. Please let groups know AIS is looking for a volunteer to fill the Outreach Coordinator position.
Vice Chair’s Report: There was not a report this month. Eliza D is not sure if the Vice Chair will continue in the role.
Old Business: Discussion about ASL in Al-Anon meetings and Spanish translation of the AIS website will stay on the agenda for future discussion.
Cheré F is working with a Spanish-speaking friend in Yakima who has reviewed the Spanish tab on the AIS web page. She will be recommending edits and is helping Cheré F create a draft email to start the discussion about Spanish translation.
Communications Coordinator’s Report: Cheré F reported that it was a busy June. There were frequent requests for updates to meeting info on the website. It can take a little time to make these updates, so groups may not immediately see the changes. Susan C-H is checking on Speaker meeting info for the website. Eric G has done a phenomenal job on the BITS newsletter. Susan C-H will continue to reformat the BITS as a PDF. The updated Newcomers page is a great resource to share with newcomers to Al-Anon.
LDC Co-Coordinators’ Report: Doug L reported that he and Julie R are continuing to discuss how to start selling literature again safely following State safety guidelines. They had a Zoom meeting with all their volunteers and felt they can safely start taking online orders that can be sent to individuals. They will be updating the Excel order form and hope to reopen online orders in the next week or two. The group discussed offering free shipping and waiving the 10% WSO surcharge to reduce the cost impact to members. Allen L moved that we waive the 10% WSO fee and provide free shipping for orders sent to the LDC through the end of September 2020. Helen V and Mary R seconded, and the motion carried unanimously.
Phone Coordinator’s Report: Helen V reported on the phones. They have been successful in reducing call time and had only 2 calls over one hour. Helen V and Susan C-H updated the volunteer manual and will send it out in about a week. Cheré F gave a great walkthrough of the website to the phone volunteers.
Alateen Coordinator’s Report: Kathy B was working with Seattle Schools before the start of the pandemic. They are ready to start Alateen groups in 4 schools, but everything is on hold until there is clarity on what the return to school will look like in the fall. Kathy B plans to check with the schools to see if online Alateen meetings are a possibility. In addition, there is ongoing online AMIAS training.
Outreach Coordinator’s Report: Teresa H reported that there will be a workshop on October 17 from noon to 3 pm on outreach. The training will include information on performing outreach and using outreach kits. The AIS Outreach Committee will fund the cost of the kits.
Group Check-In: Eliza D asked if any groups have made plans for in-person meetings. There is no firm plan for meetings to begin in person yet, but some groups plan to have both in-person and Zoom meetings once their meeting facility is available, and the state guidelines allow for this type of meeting.
Attendance Count: 26 members
Chair’s Report: Eliza D participated in the Washington Area Outreach Committee. They are working with groups on outreach.
The Resentment Bonfire is rescheduled for August 15, 2021.
The AIS Outreach Coordinator is stepping down. Please let groups know AIS is looking for a volunteer to fill the Outreach Coordinator position.
Vice Chair’s Report: There was not a report this month. Eliza D is not sure if the Vice Chair will continue in the role.
Old Business: Discussion about ASL in Al-Anon meetings and Spanish translation of the AIS website will stay on the agenda for future discussion.
Cheré F is working with a Spanish-speaking friend in Yakima who has reviewed the Spanish tab on the AIS web page. She will be recommending edits and is helping Cheré F create a draft email to start the discussion about Spanish translation.
Communications Coordinator’s Report: Cheré F reported that it was a busy June. There were frequent requests for updates to meeting info on the website. It can take a little time to make these updates, so groups may not immediately see the changes. Susan C-H is checking on Speaker meeting info for the website. Eric G has done a phenomenal job on the BITS newsletter. Susan C-H will continue to reformat the BITS as a PDF. The updated Newcomers page is a great resource to share with newcomers to Al-Anon.
LDC Co-Coordinators’ Report: Doug L reported that he and Julie R are continuing to discuss how to start selling literature again safely following State safety guidelines. They had a Zoom meeting with all their volunteers and felt they can safely start taking online orders that can be sent to individuals. They will be updating the Excel order form and hope to reopen online orders in the next week or two. The group discussed offering free shipping and waiving the 10% WSO surcharge to reduce the cost impact to members. Allen L moved that we waive the 10% WSO fee and provide free shipping for orders sent to the LDC through the end of September 2020. Helen V and Mary R seconded, and the motion carried unanimously.
Phone Coordinator’s Report: Helen V reported on the phones. They have been successful in reducing call time and had only 2 calls over one hour. Helen V and Susan C-H updated the volunteer manual and will send it out in about a week. Cheré F gave a great walkthrough of the website to the phone volunteers.
Alateen Coordinator’s Report: Kathy B was working with Seattle Schools before the start of the pandemic. They are ready to start Alateen groups in 4 schools, but everything is on hold until there is clarity on what the return to school will look like in the fall. Kathy B plans to check with the schools to see if online Alateen meetings are a possibility. In addition, there is ongoing online AMIAS training.
Outreach Coordinator’s Report: Teresa H reported that there will be a workshop on October 17 from noon to 3 pm on outreach. The training will include information on performing outreach and using outreach kits. The AIS Outreach Committee will fund the cost of the kits.
Group Check-In: Eliza D asked if any groups have made plans for in-person meetings. There is no firm plan for meetings to begin in person yet, but some groups plan to have both in-person and Zoom meetings once their meeting facility is available, and the state guidelines allow for this type of meeting.
Attendance Count: 26 members
Thank you for your donations and for your support of AIS!
Our funding now comes primarily from:
*Donations by Members, Groups, and Districts
*Literature Sales
Please send all AIS mail, including checks for literature orders and donations to:
505 Broadway E #400
Seattle, WA 98102-5023
Our funding now comes primarily from:
*Donations by Members, Groups, and Districts
*Literature Sales
Please send all AIS mail, including checks for literature orders and donations to:
505 Broadway E #400
Seattle, WA 98102-5023